Sometimes we face things in life that are out of our control.
As much as we want to, try to, fight, and wish we could... we simply cannot control them.
We can, however, control our attitudes, our reactions, and our mindsets.
And, in the end, that makes a really BIG difference.
It reminds me of the quote: We cannot control the wind, but we can adjust the sails.
It's been a pretty tough month. At first, I was mentally referring to this as a "Rainy Season". And you know how it goes- when it rains, it pours. I was trying to remind myself that rain is necessary; it nourishes, revives, and when it all finally settles, the rainbow appears, the colorful spring flowers come into bloom, and life it great... Right?! My analogy gave me... eh, only a little bit of comfort.
But then I was listening to a podcast that brought up John 15. These words caught me:
I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. [....] No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. 5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
I'm now labeling this my "Pruning Season". I think God is using this time, these things, in my life to shape me, grow me, and make me better. He prunes us so we may be even more fruitful.
Maybe we all need these seasons. Hard times make us grow. We might question ourselves and/or our faith when our best-laid plans get interrupted and rearranged, but maybe those plans are not what is best for us. After all, there's not a lot of room for growth in our comfort zones; sometimes it takes some pruning to get us where we need to be so we can find and fulfill our purpose. Have you ever pruned a bush? I have. I had a ratty looking bush in my front garden that I decided to cut way back one day (not because I had intentions of "pruning it" for growth... I was just annoyed with how bad it looked). Before I knew it, it had grown back and transformed into this huge beautiful bush with vibrant red leaves and flowers. I'm pretty sure God is a much better gardener than I am and is way more intentional with his work.
My dad has been having some health issues, not too serious, but enough to have us wondering what's going on and needing some answers. After a few different doctor visits, he saw a neurologist who ordered an MRI. We waited. The results came back showing quite a few areas of dead tissue scattered around his brain. He then ordered a spinal tap. We waited. Those results also came back abnormal. At the age of 70.5, he has officially been diagnosed with MS. It's so rare to be diagnosed this late in life. (But, come on, it's my dad... everything with him is rare!) Although MS isn't the most ideal diagnosis and it will mean medication for the rest of his life, it's not the worst that it could have been either. We are happy to finally have answers and take the next steps from here. He has been feeling very good (minus a couple weird episodes of symptoms over the past few weeks) and we are very hopeful that medication will keep the symptoms at bay and he can continue working, playing tennis multiple times a week, and being his ornery ole self.
At the end of August I went in for my second trimester ultrasound and blood work. A week later I got a call that the blood work was abnormal and tested high risk for Down syndrome. They scheduled us to come back for another ultrasound to measure baby's growth (yay! at least we get to see our little one again in a couple weeks!) and gave us our options for further testing. We did decide to have some genetic blood testing done, but non-invasive testing was as far as I was comfortable going; we were only looking for answers so we could be better prepared and informed before having the baby, we had no intentions of termination. So I needed to go back for more blood work right away and it was a long holiday weekend. We waited. I went in Tuesday since they were closed on Monday. Before the testing they took me to a tiny consult room where the genetics counselor and a resident sat with me and went over the tests I had already had, gave me the run down on what they found and talked about the next tests. I wasn't nervous, scared, or really even too concerned- if the baby was going to have Down syndrome it really didn't matter or change much, we'd just have to figure out our new normal with this baby and life would go on. Whatever will be, will be. So, they finally took the blood and told me that it would be 10-14 days. We waited. In the (almost) two weeks of waiting, we didn't tell many people at all. We wanted to know more before we talked to others about it. Plus, it kind of gave us time to process all of it. In that time of waiting, I've never encouraged and doubted myself so much all at one time. My thoughts were all over the board; I went from-- "You can totally do this. You spent so much time volunteering in the special needs community, you know it will be hard, but you can do it. You have a great support system in your husband and both your families, the luxury of staying at home with your children, and will be financially stable enough to give this child the resources he will need and even pay for extra help when/if it's needed. You will love him, and he will be perfect for our family. God knows what he's doing." To-- "There's no way you can handle this. You're practically going to be a single mom in residency, you don't even know where you will be living next year and it's most likely not going to be by family, you don't have the patience, and you are going to lose.your.mind trying to handle all of this. What if there are other health problems that come with it? What if... What if... What if?" Then, I even started beating myself up and feeling guilty about initially hoping the baby would not have DS, because if he did, I would have wished him to be something other than what he was already created and meant to be. I'm telling you... lots of different emotions all over the board, but never once did I doubt the fact that I would want or love this child, I only doubted myself. As days went on and I had more time to process it, I started getting more comfortable and a lot more confident that things will be just fine either way. And, luckily, I have a few amazing friends that I shared the news with who encouraged me so well and made me feel so much better about all of it. [Side note: I also read a lot online and was so shocked and sad to know how many women terminate simply because of T21; it made me realize that I would be even more proud and happy to raise this beautiful child knowing he had a plan and purpose.] It seemed like once I truly came to be at peace with everything and accepted it as okay one way or another, I got a phone call from the genetics department. They said they were able to isolate the baby's DNA from the blood draw and the test showed no indications of Down syndrome or any other chromosomal abnormality. The waiting wasn't easy, but I truly felt like that was a season of growth for me in so many ways. Even though the tests all look good, we still have the ultrasound with the specialist in a couple weeks; we are really excited about getting more sneak peeks of our little guy and see how much he's grown!
The last thing that has been really challenging me lately is the unknown of where we will be next year during residency. We had a lot of hopes and plans for how it was all going to work out. I cannot say a lot about it, but we are now seeing that our plans were a little premature and what we thought we wanted, just isn't going to be what's best for us. It's really hard, but there's no way we can change it. Bottom line, this whole Match process is intense, intimidating and scary, but I know we will end up exactly where we are meant to be. It's just the waiting.... waiting is so hard. Hurry up, Match Day! {And, did I mention we have a baby arriving in January, which adds all sorts of new changes, adjustments, and unknowns to the picture right before residency begins.}
Even though all these things have been challenging in their own way, I'm optimistic that this season of pruning will lend growth for a lot more patience during the seasons of waiting, a deeper confidence for how I carry myself as a woman, mother, and wife, and ultimately a peace and happiness knowing that, in His time and in His way, everything will be A-OK.
Thank God for modern medicine to help us through diseases and illness. Thank God for the gift of beautiful babies, whether they have extra chromosomes or not. Thank God that no matter where we might end up, my husband will finally finish his training and be such a great doctor.
